


Somewhere I Belong

by DaviesInTheMaking



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 13:46:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11579280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaviesInTheMaking/pseuds/DaviesInTheMaking
Summary: After being returned to his own body after Azazel switches his and Valentine's bodies, Magnus has been broken. He barely sleeping or eating and is tormented with nightmares. Riddled with guilt and love for his boyfriend, Alec wants to do anything and everything he can to help, but he doesn't know if anything he does or could do would help. After being apart for a couple of days and a conversation with Catarina, Magnus decides that he needs to truly open up to Alec if he wants his mind to heal.





	Somewhere I Belong

**Author's Note:**

> Note: This takes place after the episode with the Valentine/ Magnus body swap and to avoid any confusion, I’m just gonna mention that for this fic, I mixed the canon from the show with canon from the books. I would’ve preferred it if everything in the show was faithful to what happened in the books, but, alas, the world is far from perfect and it suited my purposes best to use both while also taking some creative licensing.

Could you please come over when you get the chance?—Magnus

I’ll be right over, Alec replied immediately, resisting the urge to bolt out of the Institute and run to Magnus as fast as possible and instead walking over to Jace, Izzy, and Clary. 

“Magnus asked me to come over.”

“Go,” Jace told him, his own anxiety reflected in his eyes. 

“Yeah, go,” Izzy said, Sebastian hovering behind her shoulder. “We’ll be fine here.”

He reflexively looked once more at his siblings before hurrying out of the Institute and down the street to the subway. It had been a week since Azazel had body swapped Magnus and Valentine and it was like Magnus had been broken. He barely spoke or ate and was having nightmares every time he actually managed to get to sleep. At least, he was when Alec was still spending the night. Alec wanted to do everything he could to help and for the last couple of days, he’d been staying away to give Magnus space since Catarina said it would probably be a good idea. Even if it did help, being away from him and forcing himself to only text Magnus every now and then made Alec worry, even though he knew Catarina was making sure Magnus was stable and Raphael and Clary had checked on him. He just felt so helpless, not being able to do anything and not knowing what he should be doing. He was scared that Magnus wasn’t going to be okay and he would lose him and it would be all his own fault. 

He should’ve gone with his instincts and believed Magnus, he shouldn’t have listened to Jace, he should’ve known it was Magnus. If he had just believed him, he wouldn’t have had to go through that agony rune and whatever memory was haunting him. He’d been such an idiot to not believe him. Magnus had called him Alexander and told him about the charm and Tokyo. Only Magnus ever called him Alexander and only he could know those things. And that fear in his eyes. Valentine would never have been that afraid. He’d looked into those eyes filled with terror and pleading and desperation and he still hadn’t believed him. 

He should’ve connected it with how weird Valentine had acted in Magnus’ body. He should’ve known it wasn’t Magnus. He should’ve been able to see that it wasn’t the person he loved. But instead, he’d done nothing like an idiot and almost helped kill his boyfriend. He wouldn’t be surprised if Magnus was calling him over to break up with him; if it wasn’t for him, Magnus wouldn’t be in so much pain. Jace had tried to convince him that it was really his fault since he’d told him that it was Valentine and not to listen to him, but Alec knew it was his own fault. He’d seen both Valentine in Magnus’ body and Magnus in Valentine’s and he’d still been too stupid to see the truth. He should’ve known by the way Valentine in Magnus’ body was so terse and tense around him and how he’d refused to help and then looked so confused and wary when Alec showed up at the apartment. He’d been such an idiot and if he was Magnus, he probably wouldn’t ever wanna see him again. 

His chest tightened painfully at the thought of losing Magnus to the point where a mundane would have a heart attack. He loved Magnus; Magnus was his first love, his first kiss, his first date, his first everything and he was happier with Magnus than he’d ever been in his life. But he knew he’d betrayed his trust and he didn’t know if he could ever gain it back. 

He finally got to the right stop and rushed out to Magnus’ building, hesitating before he opened the front door. Should he buy something to apologize? Should he have already bought something? He’d told Magnus he’d be right over, but should he run to a store before he went in? Simon said that chocolate was always a good apology present and Clary and Izzy said he would probably like flowers, but that seemed more like an apology for some mistake like forgetting something—flowers seemed insufficient to say, “I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell you were in the body of a mass murderer, let you get tortured, and almost helped kill you.”

He sighed in frustration and worry, rubbed his hand across the back of his neck, and went into the building. 

When he got to Magnus’ apartment, he rapped softly on the door. 

“Magnus? It’s me.” He cringed at how stupid he sounded. Of course, it was him, he’d just texted saying he would be over as soon as possible. 

He heard Magnus talking quietly to someone, but he didn’t hear another voice. He knocked and called Magnus’ name and waited a bit longer before trying the door and then using the key he always carried with him, but only sometimes used. 

He slowly opened the door and immediately spotted Magnus pacing outside almost frantically, one hand holding his phone, the other running through his usually perfectly-styled hair.

“I don’t know if I can do that, Catarina,” he said with a tone of such anxiety that it shocked Alec into stillness. Magnus was usually so composed that hearing him almost whine with fear was as strange for Alec as it would be to hear Jace call himself ugly. 

“You know I wanna be with him,” Magnus said into his phone, his back to Alec, free arm tight around his chest as he looked over the city. “Like you said, he’s the best thing to happen to me in centuries. I just don’t know if I can tell him everything.”

“Magnus?” Alec said just loud enough for Magnus to hear, not wanting to further intrude on his conversation. 

Magnus jumped a bit and half-turned to look at Alec, his eyes wide and vaguely reminiscent of a frightened child. 

“He’s here,” he said to Catarina, looking away from Alec. “I’ll talk to you later… Yes, I’ll tell you everything that happens…. I promise.”

He hung up and came into the apartment, stopping a foot from Alec instead of the usual five inches at most. “Alexander. Thank you for coming so soon.”

If Alec hadn’t known what Magnus had gone through or heard the confusion and anxiety in his voice and seen it in his eyes, he would have been bothered by his overly formal words and the forced formality in his tone. At least he was still calling him Alexander. 

“Of course.” He tried to put as much love and sincerity in his voice and eyes as possible. “Are you…? How are you doing?” He knew it was a stupid question, but it was all he could think of to say. 

Magnus took a deep breath and nodded, averting his gaze again. “Better. Um… Catarina’s been a big help. So has Raphael, oddly enough.” He glanced back up and the wariness in his eyes made Alec irrationally frustrated and made his heart sting with guilt and sadness. 

“That’s, um… I’m—I’m glad that you’re, um, that you’ve, you know, got someone to help you.”

Magnus nodded again and looked around briefly before gesturing to the sofa in a stiff way. 

Alec sat gently, his arms on his knees, fingers interlocked, and watched as Magnus carefully sat beside him. His back was straight as an arrow and he was still looking at the floor, but at least his body was turned slightly towards Alec. 

Magnus took a deep breath and released it quickly, swallowing and slowly rubbing his hands together. “I, um… I want to show you something.”

“Okay,” Alec said, speaking as delicately as possible, assuming he ment those memories the agony rune had brought back. “I’m… I’ll do whatever you want.”

Magnus finally looked up at him and studied his eyes, searching for sincerity or honesty or something else Alec couldn’t think of. He took another deep breath and let it out while looking at his hands and Alec was surprised and worried to see that they were shaking slightly. 

“Magnus, you… If it’s too painful for you to—”

“No, I… I need to.” He nodded like he was trying to convince himself and looked back up, turning more and raising his hands part of the way up to Alec’s face. He licked his lips and his fingers sparked blue as he glanced down again. He took a breath, looked back up, and jerked his hands forward to touch either side of Alec’s face. 

***** ***** *****

A small Indonesian boy of about nine knelt next to a family calf, his golden cat eyes sparkling as his body trembled with terror. He’d been petting the calf, just petting it, and it had burst into flames and had taken what felt like forever to die, all the while making the most horrible noise. 

He’d done things before, like making things float or turning one thing into something else, but he’d never done anything like this before. He had burned an animal alive without knowing how. It was the Devil’s work. It was evil. He was evil. 

He heard a gasp and spun round to see his Momma standing there, hands over her mouth, her eyes wide with fear. 

“Momma…” He didn’t know what he could say or do to comfort her, to make it okay. 

“Evil.”

She said it softly and he had been thinking the same thing, but hearing her saying, call him evil… 

“Momma, please.” His throat closed a bit and tears were squeezed out of his eyes. 

“Evil. Demon. Disgusting! Unnatural! Spawn of Satan! You are no son of mine! You have the mark of the Devil! You are evil! Nothing but an evil demon of destruction and death!”

She ran off toward the barn and he was left kneeling on the ground beside the charred corpse of the calf. He gave a ragged gasp around the block in his throat and broke down into retched sobs that shook his body and tore out of his throat as he buried his face in his hands. 

He stayed there crying until the sun had moved to directly above him before he managed to get control of himself. He gasped and hiccupped and snuffled as he wiped his eyes and slowly stood up. 

He hesitantly and fearfully made his way to the barn, wanting to try to talk to his momma again and tell her that he couldn’t control his evil and didn’t want it. 

“Momma?” He knocked softly on the door and waited, not hearing any movement toward the door. 

“Momma?” He slowly pushed the door open, looked inside, and froze. “Momma? Momma!!”

His voice was tight and scared as he looked at his momma lying on the hay-and-dirt floor, a deep gash across her stomach, blood and guts—her guts—soaking the ground around her, a bloodied silver dagger near her empty hand, her eyes open and empty, staring at nothing, her mouth open and frozen in a grimace of fear. He stood in the doorway, unable to breathe or move or believe what he was seeing. He tried to look away, but he couldn’t. He tried to move, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t do anything. His mind was fuzzy and foggy and when he finally breathed again, his nose and throat were filled with the smell of blood and death. His momma’s blood, his momma’s death. 

He noticed movement in the corner of his eye and watched as his papa walked past him into the barn and stood above his momma, dropping his hoe with a thud. 

“Papa…” His voice quivered as his papa knelt beside his momma. He gently closed her eyes and kissed her forehead, murmuring a little prayer. 

He stood frozen, unsure of what his papa would do to him. He’d been whipped and beaten and locked in the closet for making things disappear or float, but this was different. His momma was dead and it was his fault. 

His papa slowly looked up and he saw his eyes slowly fill with burning hatred. 

“You,” he said with a tone as deadly as a demon. He stood and walked toward the boy, his hands clenched into fists. “You did this.”

He shook his head, trembling and moving backwards. “Papa, no.” He tripped and fell backwards, landing on his back in the dirt. 

His papa grabbed him by his shirt and lifted him so they were eye level, his eyes filled with fire and rage, jaw clenched tight enough that it might break. 

“You killed her!” he snarled into the boy’s face, his own turning red. “You demon! You’re the reason she’s dead! You shouldn’t be alive!”

His papa shook him so much that his head moved like a doll’s, tears pouring from his eyes as he gasped for breath. 

“You shouldn’t even be alive,” his papa said again, a strange look coming into his eyes before he grabbed the back of the boy’s shirt with one hand, let go with the other, and proceeded to drag him away from the barn. 

“Papa! Papa, please! Papa!” he, grabbing at the dirt and grass as he was dragged, unable to see where they were going. “Papa!!”

They passed through the tree line into the forest and a bit later, his papa stopped and fell to his knees. He released the boy’s shirt and grabbed the back of his neck and, before he could do anything, plunged his head into the frigid creek. 

The water flooded his mouth and nose, gagging him and stealing any chance of breath. He grabbed at the slippery rocks and lashed out with his feet, unable to get out of his papa’s grasp. He was abruptly pulled out of the water and gasped for air while coughing out water. Through the blood pounding in his ears, he heard his papa yelling out a prayer and just had time to take a deep breath before he was pushed back underwater. 

He was held under for longer this time and couldn’t get free, no matter how much he thrashed. His vision blurred, his chest burned and heaved, his mouth opened as his body tried to breathe water, and he closed his eyes, finally realizing that his papa was going to drown him and he was going to die. 

There was a sudden, intense heat above him and all the pressure on his body and neck vanished. He scrambled up, vomiting water and gulping air, and felt relief for a moment before he saw what he’d done. His papa was burning alive, screaming and writhing; his flesh melting; his clothing and hair burning. He sat in horror, staring at his papa and then jumped to his feet as his papa crawled a bit towards him. His eyes exploded, his skin turned black, his fat sizzled, all producing a horrible stench, and the boy turned and ran before his papa stopped screaming, running and running deeper into the forest and not looking back. 

***** ***** *****

Magnus lowered his hands from Alec’s face and looked down and away, trembling a bit from the memory. 

“Magnus…” Alec had no clue what he should or could possibly say to ease the horror Magnus had just had to relive. 

“That’s what the agony rune reawakened,” Magnus murmured, his eyes on his clenched hands. “That’s what I’ve had buried since… not long after it happened.”

“Magnus, I… I had no idea.”

He gave a single, dark chuckle. “People frequently say that, but there is literally no way you could’ve known. I’ve never talked about it and this was before Shadowhunters were able to keep exact records on Shadowhunters. Hell, it was before Shadowhunters were even in existence.”

Alec had to force himself not to say Magnus’ name again and he struggled to find something—anything—that would be a sufficient response to what he’d just been shown. “I am so sorry that you had to go through that. And I…I know that nothing I say could ever take that pain away, but I will always love you and I will always do whatever I can to help you.”

“There’s no such thing as always,” he mumbled, his eyes downcast, his entire body slack. “Everything ends sooner or later.”

“I know. A-and I know I screwed up with—with Valentine, but I have never been as happy as I am with you and I have never felt about anyone the way I feel about you. What you went through…” He shook his head, wanting to touch Magnus comfortingly, but not wanting to risk upsetting him in any way. “I can’t imagine going through that.”

“I thought I was done with that memory when I buried it so long ago, but that rune, that torture, it brought it all back and I became that scared, helpless little boy again. And when you…” Magnus clenched his jaw and looked up at him, his glamoured-black eyes sparkling with the beginning of tears. “I needed you, Alexander. More than I’ve needed almost anyone in my entire life. I was in agony, terrified that I would die and that I was trapped, and I was forced to confront things I’ve spent so long running from. I needed you to see me, to be there for me, to help me. And you weren’t there.” His tears started slowly falling and Alec felt his own vision blur and then clear a bit as his own tears began. “And having you look at me with such disgust and hatred, especially after that memory and everything I told you…” He clenched his jaw again and shook his head, looking back down at his hands. 

“Magnus… I have no excuse for not believing you. That was unforgivable. I should’ve known it was you, I shouldn’t have listened to Jace, and I should’ve been there for you like you’ve been there for me every time I needed you.” He hesitated, looking down briefly while he forced himself to ask what he was terrified of hearing the answer to. “Do you want me to leave?”

Magnus looked up instantly and Alec could tell from the fear and confusion in his eyes that he knew he didn’t just mean leave the apartment. 

“Alec…” Magnus said in a soft, tremulous voice. 

“I betrayed you. I betrayed your trust and your love and I almost helped to kill you because I was too stupid to believe you, so if you want me to leave, if you never want to see me again, I’ll understand.”

Magnus just stared at him in shock, his eyes wide, his mouth slightly open. “Alexander,” he said after a few moments, “I… I may be unsure of where I stand in terms of deeply trusting you, I may be mad at you and upset with you for not seeing me, but…” He shook his head and looked solidly at him. “I don’t want you to leave. I doubt I could ever completely want that.”

Alec forced himself to stay composed and not smile in pure joy and relief. “Then what can I do for you? Whatever you need, whatever you want, I’ll do it. I love you Magnus.”

His eyes softened a bit and he gave a small smile. It was barely there, but it was still a smile, the first one Alec had seen from him since before the body swap. 

“I love you, too.” He reached out and gently placed his hand on the side of Alec’s face and Alec hesitated a moment before turning his head and pressing his lips to his palm. More than anything, he wanted to kiss him and try to convey all the love and emotion he didn’t have the words for, but he knew he should let Magnus take the lead this time. He didn’t wanna push him or upset him. 

Magnus’ eyes flitted from his lips to his eyes and he started to move towards him, but stopped. He seemed to consider what to do for a moment before moving his hand to Alec’s chest and gently pushing him back. Alec immediately kicked off his shoes and laid back, his legs going to either side of Magnus, not knowing exactly what he wanted, but wanting to give him anything. 

Magnus slowly moved up beside him and settled his head on Alec’s chest, one arm lightly around his torso. Alec lightly draped one arm across his back and shoulders, gently touching his arm with the other. Magnus sighed deeply and Alec breathed in his burnt sugar smell and the sandalwood of his shampoo. He moved his hand up to Magnus’ hair and gently and slowly ran his fingers through it in a way he knew Magnus liked. 

He didn’t know exactly how long they stayed like that, but however long it was, he didn’t care. Lying with Magnus, holding him and smelling his scent and feeling his weight against him, was about as close to paradise as Alec had ever experienced. Especially after the last week and everything they’d been dealing with, it was beyond comforting to just hold him again. He felt honored that Magnus had chosen to show him his most painful memory and that trust lifted a weight from his chest and shoulders he hadn’t realized he’d been carrying. He felt relieved and like he could breathe again and he was beyond happy that Magnus wanted him to stay. 

He took a slow, deep breath and struggled and failed to fight back a quiet yawn. He felt so emotionally drained now that his anxiety about Magnus wanting him to leave was gone. And Magnus’ warm weight against him and his soft, regular breathing was so comforting, his hair so soft, his scent so hypnotic. 

He was just starting to drift into unconsciousness when Magnus spoke up from his chest. 

“Tell me a story from your past.” He sounded tired, but more emotionally than physically tired, like he was exhausted from everything he’d shown and told Alec. 

And understandably so, Alec thought with a mixture of guilt and empathy. “What kind of story?”

Magnus shrugged slightly, his shoulders moving against Alec’s body. “From when you were training, growing up with Jace, something about you and Isabelle. Anything.”

He didn’t sound desperate, like he needed to be distracted from his thoughts, so Alec took a few moments to find a memory he thought was amusing or noteworthy. 

“This one time, when I was eight, I think, and Izzy was six, she wanted to make our mom breakfast for her birthday. I tried to help her, but she insisted on doing it on her own so she would get all the credit.” Alec smiled and laughed a bit as he thought back ten years, his fingers moving lightly up and down his boyfriend’s arm and side. “She started off by trying to make pancakes, but she got the batter all over the place when she tried to flip them. Then she tried to make eggs, but she couldn’t break them without getting bits of shell. Then she tried making toast and managed to completely burn it.” He laughed again and was happy to feel Magnus laughing gently against him. “She always has been a terrible cook. She can even make oatmeal taste disgusting.”

“Mm. It’s a good thing she’s pretty and a spectacular fighter.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Do you have any other stories?” Magnus asked after a moment. 

“Um…” Alec briefly scanned his memory for something suitable. “I don’t know. I mean, compared to your life, mine’s been pretty boring. You have way more interesting stories.”

“Your stories are interesting to me.” Magnus moved his head to look at him, his eyes wide and sweet enough to make him want to hold him and take care of him and never let him go. “Your life has been so simple, so stable. Simplicity and stability are things I’ve never experienced before.”

He wanted to tell Magnus that they could have those things together, a life, anything, but he knew that it wouldn’t ultimately be true for Magnus and it wasn’t his point, anyway. 

“Umm… One time when I was sixteen and Jace was fourteen—not long after we became parabatai—we were doing some patrolling with Izzy and Jace wanted to climb this fence with barbed wire at the top. I told him it was a bad idea and he was gonna hurt himself, but he wanted to show off how awesome he was.”

“And did he end up hurting himself?” Magnus asked with a kind of peaceful tiredness, moving his head back down. 

“Oh yeah, he tore up his left leg pretty bad and wanted me to fix it since I was the only one of the three of us who could really draw iratzes at the time. But, since I told him he would hurt himself, I just put some bandages on him and let him heal on his own. God, Jace can be such an idiot sometimes.”

“He’s a Herondale now, right?” 

“Yeah, he is. Good news for the Inquisitor.”

“Will Herondale.” He spoke softly and almost dreamily, like his mind was drifting off somewhere. 

“Jace’s father?”

Magnus shook his head a bit and spoke with more awareness. “More like great-grandfather. Or great, great-grandfather. Don’t really remember which. Will Herondale was about your age when he was at the London Institute around the 1870s. He was quite like Jace. His son, James, even more so. That child was really annoying; always running away and getting into unnecessary trouble.”

“Yeah, that sounds like Jace.” Alec paused, looking down at Magnus’ soft black hair sticking up slightly. “Did you know any Lightwoods around that time?”

“I went to a couple of parties at the Lightwood Manor before Benedict Lightwood contracted his demon disease and I saw his children, Gabriel, Gideon, and Tatiana while I was there. I was also hired by Tatiana Lightwood after she became Tatiana Blackthorn and went a bit mad. I also encountered some Fairchilds, Waylands, and Morgensterns while in London around then.”

“Wow,” Alec marveled softly, his fingertips lightly trailing around Magnus’ shoulders. “You’ve had such an eventful life.”

“Sometimes too eventful,” he said so softly that Alec was certain he was talking to himself. He pushed himself up a bit so he could look directly at Alec. “Alexander, my life at times has been lonely, boring, and so fast-paced that it’s hard for me to keep up with, but being with you… You make me feel as if everything is frozen and yet spinning at a million miles an hour. You’re so different from anyone I’ve ever been with, and not just because you’re my first Shadowhunter. You’re sweet and kind and pure-hearted and so fiercely loyal to those you care about. You are one of the most genuine people I have ever met, Shadowhunter or not, and the first person ever that I really want to share my past with. You make me feel like I’ve never felt before and no matter what you do or how upset I may get with you, I highly doubt that I will ever completely want anything but to be with you. I love you, Alexander, and I want to spend as much time as possible with you.”

Alec didn’t know what to say. He’d figured that Magnus would be so used to being in relationships by this point, that it would all just be normal for him, so to hear him describe feeling the same way that he felt…it was something like a revelation for Alec. “Magnus, I…I love you, too. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted and one of the only three people I can really be myself around. I want to spend whatever life I have with you because I can’t imagine being with anyone else.”

Magnus abruptly moved forward and pressed his lips against Alec’s. The kiss was sweet and loving and desperate and needy and Alec wrapped his arms tight around Magnus, never wanting to let him go. After an eternity that could never be long enough with him, Magnus pulled away slightly and pressed their foreheads together, breathing raggedly and just holding onto each other. Magnus returned to his previous position with his head on Alec’s chest and nuzzled him a bit. 

“Do you have any particularly strong desire to move to the bed or is this fine?” he asked in a sleepy voice that made Alec smile in affectionate amusement. 

“This is fine,” he replied, slowly running his fingers through Magnus’ hair again, a fog of contentment starting to encompass his mind. 

“Good, because I don’t feel like getting up.”

Alec gave a single small chuckle and held Magnus against him, one hand around his shoulders, one in his hair, until the fog thickened and he drifted into blissful sleep that he only ever got when he was with the man he loved.


End file.
